Today’s blog post is one of the most vulnerable ones I have braved writing, but here goes.

The past 2 years have been some of the driest and most barren I have experienced since the Lord’s redeeming hand pulled me out addiction and darkness almost 15 years ago. I have been in a season of deep heartache – physically, mentally, and spiritually at a place of great sadness and pain. Honestly, it is difficult to put into words. Within the last month, I felt myself at the point of giving up. Giving up on relationships. Giving up on joy. Giving up on being useful.

I could feel the despair and bitterness taking root.

Uncomfortable questions arose within me which made me cringe as a woman of God, called to be “the salt and light” and an ambassador of Christ. I buried those questions and doubts so far down in my soul that the roots of bitterness and anger had begun to germinate . When I share with you that I was simply fighting to survive the day, that is exactly what I mean. I would struggle to put my feet on the floor each day, neatly putting on a suitable mask for others to see just so I could get through the day without feeling like a burden. I was unlike the “me” I had always known. The me who loved life and was grateful for every breath, the me who trusted fully in the One who redeemed me, the me who forgave, the me who walked and talked with Him freely…the me who laughed and smiled with a genuineness that overwhelms the soul. I daily wondered where she was.

When we are in those desert places it seems as if the barrenness will never end. The soul is parched and the mind sees things that are not there and hears voices that are not friendly or true. Dry seasons of the soul are sticky and can feel so gross and, honestly, seem unfair.

But this is where author and speaker, Kristi McClelland, says things get “gospel gorgeous.” God never gives up on his children! His steadfast love endures forever.. His relentless pursuit is astounding. He had always been there; He is the God who sees.

He had always been listening – to all the things I could not say.

He knew my soul longed to understand, it did not surprise Him. My anger, sadness, unforgiving heart, and grief did not surprise Him either. He was waiting patiently for me to come to Him and lay it all down. He was ready for my questions. He was ready to forgive me. He was ready to lead me. He was ready to renew me. He is always ready. So, one recent Friday morning, He met me as I laid face down weeping in the floor of my spare room. I had no words, just tears.

The interpreter of my soul knew everything I was trying to say but could not.

He and I sat for what seemed like ½ the day, talking about all that was within my heart. Every question I braved asking, He had an answer to. And y’all, they were not fluffy questions. They were hard ones, sometimes frustrated ones even. I cried out many questions I had feared asking Him because they were not what “good Christians” were supposed to ask. I smile as I type those words because, really, why did I assume any of my questions were bad? He is my not only my Father, but the Author and Finisher of my faith. He will forever know my thoughts before I cry them aloud. And guess what. He didn’t condemn me, or accuse me of not loving Him. He tenderly, and firmly, poured out His truth and forgiveness.

I wish I could tell you all circumstances have all been healed and that I am on the other side of the valley, but life was still “life-ing” after that Friday morning. For many of us it can be a struggle for our minds and hearts to “feel” the comfort of His truth while crawling through that “valley of the shadow of death” Psalm 23 speaks of. But I am ever learning that while emotions are useful they are not the gospel. So as I stand in the middle of a miracle-on-its-way, I am leaning into His promise to use every season of a life for His glory and my good. I am praying – and choosing – to see things through the eyes of a redeemed child of God. It makes all the difference.

Side note: When I tell you that it is important for you to “hide His Word” in your heart, I speak from experience. In the seasons of blessing, when life seems to be a little lighter and we are not traveling on the struggle bus, it is monumentally important to tuck spiritual truths into your mind and heart because trust me, one day, you will need those truths to come for your hard queries. AND, if you do not have the kind of friends who will tear off a roof and get you to Jesus, I highly suggest you get some! I am here today writing to you good folks because He answered their prayers for me!

We cannot expect to move through life thinking we will never have tough times that are fraught with messy and bewildering uncertainties. I am beyond thankful to have had some amazing prayer warriors on the battlefield with me.

As I think about today’s morning devotion, it really is no wonder why it moved me so. In Psalm 90 Moses cried out to God in a heartbreakingly desperate plea to see the “steadfast love” of the Lord provide satisfaction and joy amid affliction and evil. He knew that time was of no relevance to God, for “a thousand years” in His sight was as one day – “as yesterday when it is past.” His longing to seek the favor of the Lord and to know His wisdom and will was more mountainous than the pain he and the children of Israel had been facing. “Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil.” What a prayer! His request for the Lord to fill not only his own soul with joy during the struggle but the lives of those he walked with moved me from deep within my soul. I am smitten by the goodness of God to speak to me even more truth to hide away in my heart.

I am so grateful He is the Good Shepherd and that His rod and His staff bring me comfort in those seasons of struggle, and I do not have to fear those valleys because He is with me. Not only does He meet our every need, but He also sets a feast for us in the presence of the enemy of our souls.

That sweet Friday morning I felt my Good Shepherd’s staff pull me in as His presence filled my heart with a gladness I had not felt in quite sometime. He held me close and met me in my deepest need, proving once again that He is a faithful friend who sticks closer than a brother. He filled me with joy amid the season of struggle, and I will never be the same.